21st Century Battle of Trafalgar

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21st Century Battle of Trafalgar

Postby TawCottage » Mon Jul 07, 2014 1:39 pm

Hi Guys n Gals

Hope this little missive makes you chuckle on this damp Monday in Devon.

21st Century “Battle of Trafalgar”

'Order the signal to be sent, Hardy.'

'Aye, aye Sir.'

'Hold on one moment, that's not what I dictated to the signals officer. "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability." What gobbledygook is this Hardy?'

'Admiralty policy, I'm afraid Sir. The Navy’s an equal opportunities employer now, we had the devil's own job getting the word 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.'

'Gadzooks Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.'

'Sorry Sir, all naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.'

'In that case Hardy, break open the rum ration. Lets splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.'

'The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.'

'Good heavens Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it then. Full speed ahead.'

'Sir, I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.'

'Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please.'

'That won't be possible, Sir.'


'Health and safety have closed the crow's nest Sir. No harness. And they said that the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.'

'Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.'

'He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral.'

'Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.'

'Health and safety again Sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.'

'Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.'

'Actually Sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.'

'Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.'

'A couple of problems there too Sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without safety helmets, hi-viz and harnesses, and they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?'

'I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.'

'There's a problem, the men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.'

'What? This is mutiny.'

'It's not that Sir, because of the “Rules of Engagement”, they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.'

'Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?'

'Actually Sir, we're not.'

'We're not?'

'No Sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.'

'Surely you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.'

'I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that Sir. You'll be up on disciplinary.'

'But you must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of our Queen.'

'Not any more Sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules.'

'Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?'

'As I explained Sir, rum is off the menu and there's a ban on corporal punishment.'

'What about sodomy?'

'I believe it's to be encouraged, Sir'

'In that case, kiss me, Hardy.'

Steve :)
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